I FEEL LIKE SHIT!

[nion]

i feel awfull!!! heres the thing. i just broke up with my bf yesterday. its so hard to explain why. im young an di need to experiance life. i dont want to stay in a relationship because im comfortable.

but thats just the thing. i was not in it be cause i was comfortable. i was in it because i love him. i still do! i know it makes no sence what so ever but it was be cuase i love him so much i had to do tihs. i guess some where part of me thaought that if i did this, i could find out if it was real love. i feel as if it was/ is. but i have to be surten. i feel like such an ass hole.

yesterday i walked him down to centrial park and said we have to talk. i grabed his hands on the way down there so he'd kno wi was not breacking up with him. that surtenly was not my intentions! i did not want ot breack up withhim. what i wanted was an open relation ship. i kno most ppl dont even knw what that is any more. be cause this day in age has changed so much. but in my eyes it was th eonly way i could date other ppl with out loosing him. so i thought. he hated the idea. it mad eme hurt inside to see him so upset. well then we got back to my place and he told me he did not have any say in how i live my life but that he was not going to stand for an open relation ship. he gave me an altimatem:
eather i stay wiht him... or date some one els.

after he left i went straight up to my room an dblared somemusic and had my face down in my pillow. crying and trying to think. all i could do was kept crying out "what have i done?" my mom later on walked up and rubbed my back and asked me what was going on. (even tho she knew what was going on. she could tell.)) i ended up trying to call one of my friends baily. but she was not home, so i called kristen. she had gone threw somthing like it before. and consoled me. we were tlaking and we both knew it would be a few days be for i oculd even think of any thing. unforchenetly when i latter went down stares and played my brother's xbox. i played marrow wind be cause im so addicted to it and i thought that maybe it ocul numb me for a while so i could kinda 'rest' and think latter since nothing was makeing sence to me at the moemnt. my bf called on th ephone. i got choked up and tryied to keep from crying on hte phone i could tell he was about ot on th eother end and he said he really did not knw why he called.

well talked for a while and discused it. i old him i had no idea what i was goin to do. he said that it went this far and that theres no turning back. (i started to cry. i had to bite my finger to keep form making a noise) all i remember then was we had broken up.

i wanted to make sure that we were still friends so that after i could prove to my slef that this was true love there might be a chance for us agien.

now i fear that he'll be too hurt to exept me back agien.. i cant blame him. an dnow i feel liek i dont deserve him. i odnt deserve any one even half as good as him.

after we had broken up i told him i love him and that i knwo that dose not make any sence. but i do! i really do love him!

after we hung up, i put the phone to my chest and cryed. all i ocul ddo was cry and rub the ring he gave me on my birth day. the three loops with the one in the middle that had as an engraving 'forever' continuing on it.

i had my mom last night come and talked ot me in th edark and i fel asleep with her on my bed comforting me.

[Q]

Nion... Ugh.. I am so sorry babe! I don't think I have the right words to say to you right now but I felt the urge to say something and anything I could to let you know that I'm here for you.

I understand the feeling of love with loss. However I still feel the need to kick the person in the junk who ever said "it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.." BULLSHIT!! I think you might agree with me that poking out our eyes might be a better pain then the loss you feel right now. **BIG HUGS**

With this though... I feel sometimes you don't feel the full extent of love or even know it exists without the chance of loosing it. With that in mind though... IMHO..I do feel it in my heart that this will work if you are meant to be together. It may have been a shock to him as it was to you. I think that guys (well anyone for that matter) can not handle rejection of any kind especially from someone they love. He may need time to regroup to allow himself to lower his defenses that he has put up in the fear of loosing someone he cares for.

For you girl...I know it's tough and by all means you do need to cry and vent your frustration. Confusion and doubt always play factor in relationships and by being a little taken back by these overwhelming feelings is understandable and warrented. You not blame yourself at all. You need to do what's right for you by acting on instict to lead you down the path that you must go.

Remember as you are going through this that there are people out here that are beyond a shadow of a doubt behind you and caring for you with every and any decision you make on this matter.

Take care Nion... *blasting lotsa luv and hugs in your direction* I'm always here if you need to talk



Q

[shaggy]

im srry
wats open relationship
it will work out somehow i think

[nion]

thanx. i hope so.

and open relation ship is where your dating but not steadily. so in other words you date diffrent ppl but you are not stricktly attacked to any one inparticulare.

dose that sound right? q?

[Q]

Yup sure does... except I call them friends with "benefits" but that's just me....

oops.. did I say that outloud?

[nion]

lol yeah btu its not quite the samething. lol depending on wher you live it means diffrent things. its wierd.

[bardoc]

I know how he's feeling, its the same feeling I got when my gf cheated on me and then asked me to foregive her

I'm sorry if it seems like I took a side I didn't mean to